Third Rule & Kindness

In my podcast conversation with Gregory Kennedy, he highlights a story about how kindness is used to transform racism. He also tells numerous stories about how nonviolence has been able to face power and oppression and is able to create a true transformation of societies.

Let's consider how kindness and nonviolence may be the only way to create kind societies.

Machiavelli’s age-old question also comes up in our conversation: "Do the ends justify the means?" Is it okay to fight at any cost if the intention is for a positive outcome? Is violence necessary to stop violence?

Physical force sometimes is the only language that someone can understand when they've gone far away from their humanity, but if one chooses to use physical force that means they will have to make an even greater amount of effort to make peace afterward.

If you choose force, it is fundamental to remember to always and consistently be clear about the goals for the long-term situation and to ensure force is limited as much as possible. People have to be clear from the beginning that they are doing this thing (they don't like) now, because they want to get to a different positive reality.

Any cause of resistance must commit to following all the way through to the endgame that brings everyone back into a positive relationship. At the end of any battle, the majority of compassion needs to go to the vanquished. Animosity must be converted into inclusion and care. This is not easy to do.

But the truth is that the ends do not justify the means, because there won't be an end. The third of the Three Rules of Conflict Transformation says that the process for resolving something is the same as the outcome. As soon as you start to make a change you are already starting to craft the new future, which will just be more process.

Which brings us to the fourth, and most revelatory, of the three rules of conflict transformation: "there won't ever be a final outcome."

The relationships around a process for change, transformation or revolution will continue. There are not solutions fixed in time when all is resolved. If you're in an ongoing relationship you need to think about how you want to be in relationship long into the future. This means that you will benefit from demonstrating the values, principles, and criteria you want to live by all the way through the change process.

Act now in the way you want to act in the future, and act the way you would like to see other people act.

If you change someone by acting against your own values to show that they are wrong, even if it works in the short-term, it will leave a ripple of shame and pain for both sides of the relationship. This strategy can lead to cycles of resentment and dehumanization that can last for generations. The only way to fix this is with forgiveness for yourself and for others. If the cycle goes on for a long time, the idea of forgiveness can become overwhelming.

However, if you inspired change in another by acting in alignment with your values and integrity, then the people you change will become a new vehicle of inspiration for others. This will increace cycle positive change rippling out far into the future.

If you want to live in a kind world, then change the world with kindness.

In summary, listen to the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi, a great master of nonviolece: "Be the change that you want to see in the world."

Check out the new episode of Fractal Friends with Gregory Kennedy. He has lived so much life and worked with some of the most inspiring people in the world. He is a powerful reminder about how small actions made by individuals with integrity can ripple out across time.

And check out FractalFriends.us for some excellent resources and inspiration about people who have changed the world by acting within their values.